Remus Confessed
by johny5
Summary: Remus summarizes his romantic affairs during the years between the death of the Potters and somewhere towards the middle of Ootp. Rated for slash. SSRL SBRL reviews and flames welcome.


I don't own the characters, the storyline or anything else, I'm just a strange kid with no life who writes stories based on other people's hard work. Harry Potter belongs to the lovely Miss J.K. Rowling, and none of it, I repeat, none of it, not a sylable, belongs to me. Arigatou  
  
This one is a bit more pervy than I intended it to be, but it's ok. It's from the point of view of Remus and it takes place sometime between #3 and #5.  
  
I wanted him. There was no getting around it. Oh sure, I'd tried to deny it, But I couldn't, I can't. The strange thing was, I'd never felt this way before. Not in all the long years we'd spent together at school. Not in all the long years we'd shared a room, even a bed on some occasions. It wasn't until that fateful year, that fateful day when he once again thrust himself into my life and violently disrupted my routine. Sure, it had been monotonous, I had been bored, but I had been safe. I didn't have to think about him, of what he'd done, of how he'd betrayed me. I didn't have to hurt, until I saw him. I hated him. Or at least... I wanted to. But when I saw him, I was filled with an echo from my throat to the bottom of my stomach. My mouth was numb and the blood was humming in my veins. It was as though I were trapped in a terrible dream. I couldn't move, I couldn't even open my mouth to speak. There he was, the same as he had been thirteen years before. Unchanged by the long years. Oh, not untouched necessarily. He seemed a bit thin, yes, and stretched, like he had been missing something vital for a dreadful long time. His hair was the same, jet black, untainted by the silver that now peppered my locks. And his eyes... I swallowed thickly. I could feel the blood tingling in my face. How could I be blushing at a time like this?! And I can't blame it on adolescent hormones. I was 32 years old, for Merlin's sake, but all the same, I began to feel inadequate as I considered the state of my tattered robes and the gray that seemed to creep through my hair. It had begun before I had even turned seventeen, but now... well, what would he think?  
It wasn't too long before I did indeed find out what he thought. He felt as betrayed as I had those many long years. He was not unkind; however, he vociferously shared his opinion that I was too quick to judge. He was filled with anger and an unquenchable lust. He did not feel the same way about me that I had come to feel about him, but nevertheless, I allowed him to make love to me. I did not express my feelings to him. He was very careful to explain that this did not change the standing of our relationship. He stressed that he was very much straight, but could not be bothered with the trials of finding a reliable partner. At times, he was much less than gentle. As I said, he was very angry, passionately so, and often times, he thrust that anger upon me when we were... together. But I could not blame him, for I had felt that way before. I knew.  
It was only weeks after the incident that stripped me of my only friends. I was whiling my time as an assistant teacher at hogwarts, as was one said Severus Snape. I was lost and without a friend to turn to, so I made the mistake that many have made before me. I looked for comfort in someone else's strengths. I tried to fill my life with frivolous things to block off the void in my soul. I threw myself into the first pair of strong arms I could find. They just happened to belong to Severus. I used to blame myself, but now that I am older, I can look back and realize that I was taken in. Severus took advantage of me in my hour of need. I wonder if I'll ever forgive...  
My lessons had begun to drag and I tended to forget myself. My truancy record had increased substantially. Albus Dumbledor was very adamant that I retain my post and so, unknowingly advised me to seek the help of Severus. It was late one night; he had been helping me to plan my next day's lesson. The hour was late and my mind was numbed by the losses of the recent tragedy. My inhibitions were growing increasingly weaker and I believe Severus sensed that. Before I knew it, Severus was no longer reading, but staring deep into my eyes as though he was reading my thoughts. I felt my grip on reality slipping and the next I remember, my shirt was discarded on the floor, his lips were on mine and I felt as though I were in some sort of trance. I felt no inclination to kiss him back, but was also unmotivated to stop him kissing me. He trailed wet kisses down my neck and began to remove his own clothes. My fogged brain vaguely realized what was happening, but seemed unable to pass any judgements. I gazed distractedly as he approached me and soon gave in to the power that was Severus Snape.  
I remember feeling ill for quite some time afterwards. Not ill in body, but ill with myself. I could not bring myself to look in mirrors or the eyes of others. Our meetings did not end, however, for I was not strong enough to stay away. The many long evenings tend to blend in my mind into one tangle of hot flesh and meaningless passion. Sometimes he would initiate, and sometimes I. It didn't much matter, we usually consummated three or four times an evening. Sometimes, he would make me cry out. Sometimes, I would cry and not understand why. I don't believe we talked through any of it, but each evening ended the same. He would turn and face the wall. "You can go." he would announce, and I would silently gather my clothes and return to my room. I eventually abandoned my post at hogwarts out of shame.  
I knew that Serius' and my relationship wasn't healthy, but I couldn't bring myself to end it. Then one night, the inevitable happened. Serius was in a particularly wrathy mood. Being cooped up in his childhood tomb rested uneasy on his mind. It was my purpose to take his mind off of it. He had me pinned to the bed as he had his way with me and then it came over me. I had a flashback. Such things had happened before, but never in the heat of the moment, and never so strongly. I cried out. "Please, Severus, I can't!" Sirius stopped at once and stared at me as though I'd spat at him. It was only then that I realized what I'd said. He jumped away from me as though I were some horrible creature, some vile scheming wretch.  
"You whore!" he accused. I pulled the blankets to me, trying to make sense of the sudden chaos.  
"Sirius, I- I have to explain, just let me-"  
"Have you been letting that bastard shag you all this time?!"  
"Serius, just-"  
"How could you?! With Snivelus? How could you be such a whore?! Dammit Remus, haven't you got any decency? Do you just fuck the first thing on two legs?-"  
His tirade went on and on. I couldn't get a word in edgewise. Why was he being that way? He never had been before Azkaban. Did he blame me? How could he? But maybe he simply blamed everyone. Maybe I had given in too far...  
"It's your fault!!" my stream of thought was silenced by my own voice. Sirius stared at me, surprised.  
"What are you saying?!"  
"Do you think I wanted to?! God, Serius! You left me! You left me and Peter and James left me, and there was no one left to take care of me! I was lost, and that... that... man took advantage of that."  
"What are you saying?" he repeated much gentler, an edge of apprehension in his voice.  
I pulled the blankets tighter to myself and was finally able to admit what I had been hiding all those years. "He raped me, Sirius."  
There was a sharp intake of breath from his general direction.  
I couldn't stop now. I had to confess it all, everything. The tears fell freely, but I continued, shakily at first, but gaining pitch and momentum as I went. "It was my first time... I didn't want to, but I couldn't say no. I was so lost. Where were you Sirius? You should have been there!" It was my turn to point fingers. "Oh, but I'm no innocent party, Sirius, I'm not free of blame. Sure, at first he initiated it, all the time, but then, sometimes I'd go to him. I don't know why, nothing mattered. I didn't want to think. It was a lot. A lot." I repeated, staring at nothing in particular. "Oh god, I am a whore." I cringed. "And here I am... giving in to you the same way, Sirius Black! So God forbid you blame me! This is your fault!" The room reverberated with the echoing tones of my final statement. There was a long silence before I finally managed to glance at Sirius, and I was astounded. I'd imagined he would be angry, but there was a mixture of pity and compassion etched on his face, he seemed to have finally been able to let go of all of that anger. He was at my side in moments.  
"Oh god, Remus, I had no idea! I didn't know. I didn't think." he pulled me to him and I cried like I have never cried before or since.  
"Dammit" I mumbled into his shirt.  
"What?" he asked.  
I looked up into his blue eyes, full of understanding, full of kindness. It was time; I had promised myself to confess it all, every last detail. "I love you."  
He stared at me and I could have sworn a mist came to his eyes before he turned his head away. "Remus, I don't deserve your love."  
I clung to him, I didn't want him to leave me that night, and he didn't. He spent the entire night with his arms around me and woke me the next morning with a gentle kiss on my forehead. We didn't speak for a very long time and when we did, his tone had changed so much. He was soft now, gentle and kind. He laughed easier and began to forget, to forgive, and so did I.  
We no longer make love, Sirius refuses to take advantage of me any longer. We spend every evening in each other's arms and we have truly grown to appreciate one another. They say the truth will set you free. No words have ever been more right, and no kiss has ever been sweeter than the kiss I receive from my beloved. Sirius often speaks of revenge, atonement for the pain of my past, but I tell him to forgive, Severus Snape will get his. Of that, I have no questions. 


End file.
